Being alone while being married


I was “single” this week due to my hubby’s business trip. In our thirty plus years, these trips are fairly rare. Yet, each separation gives me the chance to be alone. I love marriage. I love my husband. But being alone this time challenged me.

To get married is a choice. Thom and I lovingly chose one another and we've always wanted to stay together. But what was the cost of that choice? I believe that all choices have a cost. For me, I was able to “do my thing” while raising kids and managing the home front. My cost? I don’t think it was much. I was doing what I wanted.

Thom’s cost was far more expensive. Throughout our decades, there have been things he had to place on the shelf. He loves music. He’s a songwriter and a true performer at heart. His dream went on the shelf long ago. How much did that cost? I guess I’ll never know.

We all have dreams. I guess a better word would be “aspirations”. And we hope to be able to reach those goals. I always wanted to be a mother. Check. I always wanted to be involved in my family’s lives. Check. I love reading and writing and have had the time to do both. Check.

How’s Thom doing on his list? That’s what challenged me this week. In my alone time, I began to pick apart the fabric that we so carefully wove together. I could see the evidence of my realized dreams, but where were his? His face is missing in many family photos because he’s the one chronicling our lives. I’ve watched him on the sidelines of sporting events, or in the audience watching others on stage. What was the cost to him as he watched others?

I've lived a long time on the selfish side of the tracks, so I guess I just expected things to be this way. Now I see that my life was the way it was because Thom chose to make it that way. It humbles me to think he loves me so much that his life has been about making my life what it is. My new season with adult children allows me to see things with different glasses. I’d like to reach up on the shelf and pull down those dreams he placed there~~ give him the chance that he’s given me. I'd like to make a choice to give back. And it’s a cost I’ll gladly pay.

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